Friday, May 28, 2010

30 Things I've Learned

My 20s were great. I graduated college. I started great friendships. I became an uncle. I interviewed countless celebrities. I attended amazing concerts. I got married to the love of my life. I traveled for work and pleasure. I founded two nationally distributed pop culture magazines (became an EIC of one of them). I’ve learned the web game. I’m learning the cable industry, television programming, and marketing. Whew! I know my 30s will be even better. In celebration of my big Tres-Zero below are 30 Things I’ve Learned. Let me know what you think.



1. As you mature, your musical tastes do as well.
2. Light colors attract positive vibes (or at least I think they do).
3. Content is king. Context is everything.
4. Kill them with kindness.
5. Don’t watch Food Network or Travel Channel when you’re on a diet. It’s food porn for fatties.

6. Everyone needs a mentor.
7. Being a good son isn’t hard.
8. Being a good husband isn’t hard.
9. If you write well, you can do anything. Anything.
10. When you’re at a restaurant, treat the wait staff like people. Talking to them by their name will get you a long way. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged.
11. As a fluent Spanish-speaker, I have an automatic “in” with any company’s mail room.
12. Never date a girl in your neighborhood. You’ll probably bump into her when you’re bringing your new girlfriend home to your parents.
13. Never take your wife’s advice on comedic films. Worst movie I ever paid to see: The Dukes of Hazzard starring Jessica Simpson.

14. Smoking a good cigar is so damn relaxing.

15. Check your emails before clicking “send.”
16. Never argue during a meeting. You have a problem with someone, talk to them one-on-one.
17. Don’t complain about work. My dad worked at a Now & Later factory when he immigrated to Brooklyn from Ecuador in the 1960s. His hands became heavily callused. He also worked as a butcher for over 30 years. He suffered two hernias, he was attacked with a meat hook to the head, and he developed arthritis because he worked in a freezer. He worked as a superintendent for over 30 years. He swept up dirty diapers, used condoms, and tossed rats by their tails as he took out the buildings’ garbage. So I (try) not to complain about work.
18. Don’t ever get drunk in front of co-workers or your boss.
19. Avoid negative people and situations. It will only bring you down.
20. You maintain a healthy relationship through compromise and communication.
21. You know you’re in love when your girl wipes away the sweat from your forehead.
22. Some of the smartest people I’ve met don’t have a college degree.
23. If you can make her laugh, she can't stay mad at you.
24. Video games are addictive.

25. Losing weight is hard. Gaining weight is easy.
26. Going for a walk alone is underrated.
27. If you're married, there's no reason you should be in a jam-packed club. Try a lounge.
28. Even if your office has a relaxed dress code, you should at least wear a collared shirt. Try not to wear t-shirts.
29. One of the worst feelings you can have is when you disappoint your mother. One of the best feelings is when you make her feel proud.
30. There aren’t boring stories only boring writers.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My Top 5 Latino Guilty Pleasures

Anyone who knows me knows I'm one damn proud Latino. How proud am I you ask? I'm so proud I even have a couple of Latino guilty pleasures. See below.

5. I enjoy watching Spanish language TV. Yes, it's cheesier than Fat Joe on a hot summer day but it's so over the top it's hard not to tune in. Overdramatic Latinos, bourgeois Latinos, poor Latinos, sex, cougars…it’s all there.

4. I think Vicks Vapor Rub can cure anything. You have a cold? Put it on your chest. You have a pimple? Put some on it. Vapor Rub is to Latinos as Robitussin is to African Americans.

3. I bless myself everyday as I leave my house. I also get one from ma’ dukes everyday via phone.

2. I sometimes blast merengue music in my car. Just to let people hear how Latino I am.

1. And the number one Latino guilty pleasure is (drum roll please): I buy Walter Mercado's year end magazine as soon as it drops. Seriously! If you've ever seen it, he basically gives predictions for the following year and as a somewhat superstitious Latino I need to know.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Wilmer Valderrama Stays Greasy

I love over-the-top reggaeton videos! Wisin y Yandel, arguably the largest artists of the genre, released a video for “Imagínate.” It features T-Pain, ageless Colombian hottie Paula Garces, Amaury Nolasco, and (it gets better) the greasiest mofo in Hollywood—Wilmer Valderrama. Here are a few notes:

1. T-Pain looks like Goldilocks
2. Wilmer dances reggaeton like he’s not wearing a rubber (pause)
3. Wisin is an awesome wingman
4. Don’t fuck with Amaury Nolasco’s girl

Bonus: Wilmer gets fatally shot—subsequently there’s an oil spill nationwide.

The End

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I Walked a Marathon, Really I Did

Hello personal blog, it's been a while. Since we last met I freakin’ walked (easy with the running, I'm still chubby) a marathon. Even better the marathon was the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. Here are a couple of things I learned the day of the walk.

1. Men don't really participate. I was definitely a minority within a minority within a minority—a Latin guy named Jesús. It felt like I was walking with the cast of Big Love.

2. In physical challenges I need extra motivation. If it weren't for the wife I would have quit by mile 10.

3. I hate blisters but my favorite one is the one on my right foot; it's shaped like Louisiana.



PS: If you haven't donated yet, there's still time! Go here! Thank you!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Should I Run For The Border?

As part of our training for the Avon Breast Cancer Walk (donate here if you can) in October my wife and I completed a 5K run across the Brooklyn Bridge this past Sunday. We ran it in the pouring NYC rain and the sticky NYC humidity. As we reached the end there were a lot of well-wishers saying, "You're almost there," "way to go" etc. As we pass by a group of people a lady screams out "run for the border!" WTF?

Was it because we were a Latino couple? Was it because I was rocking a Home Depot vest? Was it because my wife's hoop earrings were hitting her in her face? Or was it simply because it was pouring and our backs were wet? Maybe she was really torn up over the Taco Bell Chihuahua dying? Or was it just a quick racial stab thrown at a chubby couple too tired to fight back?



Wednesday, July 15, 2009

650-lb Virgin Has Hamburger!

Nowadays my appetite for cable TV has tripled. I'm not only watching guilty pleasures like Bad Girls Club but I'm also including various docs in my viewing diet. This past Sunday I caught TLC's 650-lb Virgin…yes, I know those two words go hand-in-hand. A couple of things I took away from it: a) good thing I'm losing weight, b) you know you're obese when your genital area looks like a huge flesh hamburger bun (extra sack up top and his bolas below) and you have to pull out your penis with tweezers in order to take a whiz. Yikes. The doc follows David Smith on his journey from obese man to blossoming personal trainer.

Smith is freaked out by his package's extra package so just imagine whipping that out in front a woman. Still, there are a ton of freaks out there and I wouldn't be surprised if one of them wouldn't take it for whirl…or at least flick at it. Smith is now beginning his career as a personal trainer. Yes, he isn't as diesel as your regular PT and yes after flab reduction surgery his nipples are on his ribcage area. But there’s one thing he can do the others probably can't—he can say I was there before. He’s got the package to prove it.



Monday, May 18, 2009

NY Yankee Baseball = Grey’s Anatomy

Grey's Anatomy is consuming my wife and her BFF Pris. Pris and Oz were in town from sunny San Diego so we decided to go to the new Yankee (gag) Stadium and watch A-Rod walk three times. Even though the wives were entertained their convo mainly focused on the Grey season finale. They were even spotted on the Jumbotron and didn't realize it because Izzy is on her death bed aka the writers are killing her off because Katherine Heigal is a dbag. But I started thinking (mind you I'm a Met fan) that Yankee baseball and Grey's Anatomy are quite similar. See below.

Derek Jeter is a combination of McDreamy and McSteamy: Jeter is a fan fave who is the consummate pro. Yet, he has scumbag tendencies like McSteamy because he dips his pen in a lot, a lot of ink.

Token Asians: Hideki Matsui and Sandra Oh...I'd go with Godzilla.

A-Rod is Grey: he's an emotional wreck, has a man crush on Jeter and has used steroids. Grey is an emotional wreck, is married to McDreamy and has used botox on her leathery face. Ding, ding, ding.

While the Yankee boast more Latinos than a WKTU freestyle concert, Grey’s has one Latina—Sara Ramirez. And that’s the biggest dissimilarity. PS: Yankees suck.