Friday, March 21, 2008

Part Two: Hi My Name Is



Being named Jesus comes with its share of corny jokes. A lot of the WPs call me Jose or even worst call me JC (Jesus Christ, horrible blasphemy I know). Two distinct stories pop in my head when discussing my name. The first time I knew I had a unique name was in elementary school. I was at St. Agatha’s School (yep I’m a Catholic school product) in 3rd grade. Our religion classes were taught by either nuns or priests. This particular year it was taught by Fr. Louis. When he starts taking attendance and comes to my name he can’t believe his eyes. He says, “Your name is ‘Jesus’?” “Yes,” I said silently. “Your parents should be ashamed and will burn in hell for naming you after the son of God!” “Gulp,” I said. He continued to say that he would refuse to call me my name and renamed me Mario! I was a shy kid; didn’t want to speak back so I obliged. A friend of mine told her parents; her parents told my pops and etc. Needless to say my parents were pissed but since they didn’t speak any English they let my older sister, Mercedes, handle this one. And oh boy did she handle it. My big sis goes to the rectory rips the priest a new one; next thing you know Fr. Louis never acknowledges me again. I know a priest ignoring a little boy, preposterous you say but true. Did I fail to mention that Louie was an Indian immigrant? Well, he was which made his disapproval of my name even more mind boggling.

The second instance is a case of WPs feeling awkward. I worked at a Hallmark store throughout high school and the owners were a couple of gay fellas. They wanted to hire me, not because I came from an all-boys high school super pause, but because I was a hard worker. Anyway they felt weird calling me by my name and asked if there was nickname I went by. I said, “My family calls me Junior.” And it stuck. The name not them.

PS: Love you big sis for sticking up for me.

Uno,

Jesús

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Part One: Hi My Name Is




With holy week upon us (for us Christians) I find it fitting to tell you about the origin of my lovely but stereotypical name, Jesús. The story takes place in 1980s Brooklyn, NY. My mom was pregnant with me, her last child and only boy. For some reason or another I severely messed up her insides. Oh I was also a preemie. Come the day of my birth (May 28) my mom was in probably the worst pain she's ever been. The doctors told my family that it would be a miracle if she and I survive the birth. No one told my mom but being a woman she had an instinct that the situation was grim. So she turned to God, prayed and asked to save me; if I did survive they would name me Jesus in honor of his son. The result: I'm here and so is my mom. So when I get the dumbass jokes that come along with my name I just laugh it off because it was the biggest promise my mom ever made and that Jesus guy is pretty influential. Does your name have a story?

Uno,

Jesús

Thursday, March 13, 2008

A Fan Called Jesús



I'm a huge Tribe fan. So huge that I got one of my boys to airbrush The Low End Theory cover on a shirt with the infamous "industry rule #4080" line. So huge that I was upset when Q-Tip flaked on a Scratch feature I was supposed to write; I had the sidebar ready to go pero nada. And like a lot of us urban culture scribes I still listen to their timeless cuts as opposed to Yung Berg. I got into Tribe when I was 11 and Theory dropped. I bought the cassette, listened to it endlessly and thought every hip-hop album would be like this; meaning no tracks were skipped. They once sampled a Bill Cosby record ( on “We Can Get Down”) people! At the same time I was heavy into Cypress Hill (mainly because they were brown like me and those damn Muggs’ beats) and Redman (because well let's face it before Red got high with Meth he was one of the illest). Forget that those two acts made me indulge in la yerba buena ("How to Roll a Blunt" and "Stoned is the way of the walk" are hard not to imitate), Tribe made me tell my mom that there was such a thing as good natured rap music.

Tip, Phife and Ali were cats that were like me...good kids who grew up around some shady but interesting characters. Yeah, we did our shit here and there but we were really just good people. Fast forward to today, when I was dating my wife my first nickname for her was Bonita Applebum. It was a perfect fit. I love Tribe, she was hella bonita and her bum was and is a great apple. Her numbers in my phone are saved as "Bonita Applebum" and "Bonita's Office." I even snuck in a Tribe reference in my wedding vows! So when I'm feeling the pressure and buggin out I always find a way to play some jazz and keep it moving. If those verses from the abstract don't work I get some electric relaxation from my Bonita Applebum.

PS: If you can’t name more than five Tribe songs in the last two sentences this post isn’t for you.

Uno,

Jesús

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

El Rey of Brooklyn in Queens



Have you ever identified with a film or a sitcom? As a pre-teen it was Juice for me; I even used Gee Q as my tag name. Today it's The King of Queens. It's about a plump blue collar dude who's always trying to get one over on his cute yet menacing wife. I'm not saying the wife is menacing but hey I’m sure even Mother Theresa lost her shit once in a while. And yes I'm a journalist but I do come from a blue collar upbringing. Here's an example on how I relate. In one episode Carrie (Leah Remini) gets upset at Doug (Kevin James) for not remembering her co-workers’ names. Listen I'll remember the name if he or she is her boss; otherwise you’re nameless. I leave you with some of my favorite clips.

Uno,

Jesús

I’m Not A Mormon But . . .


One of the biggest realizations I had since getting hitched is that I have two families now. I hold my wife's fam close to my heart but my fam is blood...so it's different. That's why the Queens move was such a big hit. Ma dukes, big sisters and pops are now a borough away. On Saturdays we go our separate ways—I go to BK and her to LI. I see her fam periodically as she does mine. And I always make it point to call my mom-in-law once or twice a month to see if she's fine. Yes, it's the gentlemanly thing to do but I also genuinely care about their well-being. The holidays are always weird. Where to go to? Whose family is more entertaining? Neither to be honest; we sit around twiddling our thumbs, each thinking what our families are doing. Her family has good wine and my family has two adorable little girls to entertain us. We managed this past year to get through them without arguing about where to go . . . well, at least not argue that much. I'm still getting the hang of this two family thing so needless to say a family is still years away. But I am Latino in my late '20s so I'm way overdue.


Uno,

Jesús

Thursday, March 6, 2008

My Dad Kicks Ass



Oh reality TV, is there anything you won't do? I was watching NBC's My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad with the wife and she suggested her dad can beat mine. That is of course if my pop was healthy; he suffered a stroke a couple of years ago. But in his heyday pop was a hard rock. Her dad is a sweetheart, pause. He's like a Colombian Mr. Rogers while my dad was like an Ecuadorian Freddie Foxx. No competition. My dad would love to tell me stories, and my wife for that matter, about the fights he had and how he bloodied people's eyes. What's grizzlier than recounting your fighting tales to your future daughter-in-law? You know what the stories I get from her pop are? Stories about soccer and work. My dad, who's shorter than me, once took on a dude who was 6"4; the taller they are you know the rest. Going into the fight he knew he was in some deep caca so he busted out his belt, wrapped it around his fist and punched Goliath with the metal part. Straight gully. Am I saying that if her dad and mine crossed paths 20 years, my pop would whip his ass like a stepchild? Nah. They both love soccer and beer. So they would have been panas. Plus, Manny would have never tried anything if he saw Arnie in action.

Uno,

Jesús

Old School



I'm getting old. I'm three months from turning 28 and I feel as old as an old school rapper like Craig G. I attended the 10th Anniversary of WNYU's Halftime Show last night and needless to say I was there with people like Masta Ace, AG, Sadat X oh and Craig G. Not that I don't support good hip-hop radio shows but it was at 10PM on a Wednesday. Sheeeet, I'm watching The Gauntlet with the wife on those nights. If it were 8 years ago I would have stayed till 1AM, spoken to all the MCs and gotten a drop for my boy's mixtape. Still it isn't only hip-hop that I see my ass aging in, it's the real life experiences I've gone through the last couple of years that have made me get old. Scratch that let's say get mature. BTW it was dope giving a pound to Ace. The brother made one of my favorite albums in recent memory (Disposable Arts) and one of my fave singles of all time (“Jeep Ass Niguh”).

Uno,

Jesús

Fuhgetabouit!


Brooklyn. Is there a better place on Earth? Nah, b. Alas I broke up with her when I got married. Once the ring went on, my zip code was set to change. The wife said let's compromise and move 30 minutes away from each of our families. I was reluctant but did I really have a choice? Now I take a long ass train ride to BK to see the parents, my big sisters and my little princess nieces. I get to read my magazines on those rides and reminisce over the home of Big and Jay. I was born and raised in Sunset Park and had my first diss and my first kiss there. I even miss the hoodrats who blocked the steps to my building...actually not so much on the hoodrats. It's not that Queens is so bad but uggh it's not BK. I mean have you ever seen a package addressed to Bushwick, NY or Park Slope, NY. Of course not! But if you live in Queens you will see Richmond Hill,NY. WTF? But I was hoodwinked. You see my wife is a Queens girl who just moved to Long Island a couple of years ago. The Q was her territory all along. Hey it was a compromise AKA she wins.

Uno,

Jesús